Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Silence.

So, since I told my mom that I am pregnant, she's hardly asked me anything about the baby. Hasn't asked how I've been feeling. Hasn't asked if we've picked names. Are we excited. Do we want a boy or a girl. Are we going to move before Squirt's born. Etc. The usual litany of questions that every other person who knows has asked. And she definitely hasn't said congratulations. She's pretty much been silent on the whole thing. You'd think, from our conversations, that it wasn't happening. In fact, we had a discussion about some of J's family members, and she asked, "Do they know about...you?" Like I've got some communicable disease that nobody is supposed to talk about.

This weekend I went to Columbus with the intention of meeting my grandfather for the first time. This would be my father's father. I never met my father, and I never will. Why? He died in 2001. Saturday I couldn't get ahold of my grandfather, so we stopped by my grandmother's house. This would be my mother's mother. One of my uncles was there, so we all sat around for a while, shooting the shit and watching the Buckeyes game. Naturally the topic came around to my mother. Now I have further evidence that she isn't excited about the baby. She spoke with my grandmother and my uncle on separate occasions, and they both got the impression that she isn't excited. She basically feels she isn't ready to be a grandmother. Well I got news for you honey, TOO FUCKING BAD. We didn't make this decision for her. We didn't make this decision ABOUT her. In fact, my mother never entered my mind when J and I decided to have a baby. She used to say it to me as a child, and she sure could use a dose of her own medicine, but THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU. So quit pretending like it does. Quit pretending everybody does everything in their own life because of you. It's not. about. you.

Sunday we went to breakfast and J called her Grandma, knowing it would get under her skin. In a pretty bitchy tone of voice, she said "Don't say that again." I turned to him and said "Yeah because then it makes it not TRUE."

Since Cathy came up with the idea, I've been looking for a way to come up with a story about an innocent victim of a lie told in silence. Turns out the shit was my own life all along. I can't say as it was specifically a lie, but her silence on the matter turns out to speak volumes. You can decide who the victim is. There's a repeat theme in some of my posts about not understanding why someone could cut another person out of their life so completely. Well, I've got a pretty good reason going right here. I don't know that I want my child growing up with such a hateful, mean old woman as a grandmother.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yeah, my folks weren't too happy either...my first (and as it turns out, only) baby was their first grandchild. I was 25, married three years, and had already had a miscarriage...and they were STILL not happy for me!!!! Dad didn't really come around til the baby arrived...mom did a little bit better....but not much...Their lack of support hurt quite a bit...but gave me some insights into them that helped me be a better parent myself...and set limits on them appropriately...so see what good you can take from this painful episode....cuz it is NOT all about your mom! You deserve all the support you can get, but sadly it may not all come from the folks you expect to provide it.
take care.

frhe sjgg said...

Oh Froneamy, my heart goes out to you for her unkindness/inability/unwillingness to be warm and loving and genuinely happy for your good news.

Sometimes people are so miserable they cannot rise about it even to share joy or interest with someone else.

Her loss. 'Cause you and your husband sound like nice, decent, intelligent, loving people from what you write and how that writing comes across to your readers.

Doesn't mean that not having what you'd like to -- a supportive mom, grandmother-to-be won't be a hurtful thing sometimes...

But thank goodness you don't have that 'scrooge' kind of soul.

And your own child (or children as the case may be later on)will never have to know anything but what a good Mom is.
And in that, you eradicate the footsteps of the past...
And in your consciously doing so, the next generation will be raised and loved as it should be -- the right way, the kind way, the emotionally generous way...

Sincerely,
Anne Elizabeth

p.s. I was abandoned by my birth parents at 2 days old...
Although every situation is unique,
I know a little of what the wound feels like not to have a connection with biological family...

La Spud said...

In a pretty bitchy tone of voice, she said "Don't say that again."

wow

sigh

Barking Yak said...

Sorry to hear that. My mother wasn't too excited when my wife and I made her a grandmother for the first time twice over. We were pregnant with twins. She said she wasn't old enough to be a grandma, but I think the real problem was we were only engaged at the time as opposed to married... She came around pretty quickly and loves and spoils my two boys. I hope something good can come of your situation.

kateykakes said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Cathy said...

OMG honey, I can't even imagine going through that. My DIL is pregnant and due on Dec. 17th. We talk about the new baby all the time. I went to her last Doctor visit and listened to the heartbeat. Your mother does NOT know what she is missing! Being a grandmother is the best thing in my life..

I almost feel sorry for her, she will be the missing out on so much if her attitude doesn't change. But Amy, you don't need her approval or blessing for this. Just be happy with your husband and look forward to your baby!

Did I tell you my Ex-husband is moving back home with me this coming weekend?