The pursuit of friendship

One thing I'm still struggling to understand is friendship, perhaps particularly the nature of friendships between men and women. I use the terms 'men' and 'women' because children don't seem to have any trouble whatsoever making and keeping friends. It's only as we age that all our issues seem to get in the way. These voices in our head interfere, we second guess things...friendship gets difficult.

However it's also in the growing that adds the layer that seems to interfere the most, and I have no illusion that this is a new topic. The largest problem with men and women being friends is that sex seems to get in the way.

Although I often hate when people start throwing around the term 'daddy issues' to explain why a woman is doing something they don't approve of, I have my own daddy issues. The thing is, as I've gotten older, I don't deal with this problem by putting my body on display or trying to get sexual attention from men. Turns out I deal with it by trying to find guys who will like me in a nonsexual way. I find these guys who have a sense of humor that I love, and seem like decent friends, and for a while we have a pretty awesome friendship.

The pattern seems to be, though, that they're single guys. This may be partly due to my age, and the age of the people I tend to socialize with. If you're not single, you have kids and not a lot of time for socialization. If you are single, you're trying to settle down. As a result, the last string of guy friends I've had have basically fallen off the map once they've gotten serious with a girlfriend.

You're probably starting to ask yourself where my female friends are. I have them. Several, actually. Say what you will, but there is an inherent difference in the nature of female-female friendships. That's just not where I'm focusing this post on.

One friend that I lost in a particularly painful turn, was under the belief that I had blamed his girlfriend for the end of our friendship. That actually wasn't the case at all, but rather I blamed the fact that he had a girlfriend as part of the problem. You have to be careful with the semantics in this sort of discussion, but in essence, it seemed that once he had a girlfriend, he had little use for a female friend. Having no peek inside the head of these friends, I really don't know the truth. But the pattern seems to fit and to repeat itself. Correlation isn't causation, so perhaps I'm just likable in the short term...or people have forgotten how to have long-term friendships...or the barometer changed...

I can't stop my mind from wondering, though. I'm an analyzer. A dissecter. And I need to know WHY. This flies in the face of the Buddhist lessons I read through, but it's in my nature, so often I fall back into it in times of stress. So I start to wonder...was there ever a platonic friendship? Was I a safe placeholder, since I'm married and off the market? I tend to think of these guys as brothers, but it turns out I'm a disposable friend. Given that my father treated me and most of my half-siblings (and our respective mothers) as though we were disposable, this cuts me to the core.

I'm probably too old to not have had this lesson sink in. Or to even still be worrying about needing friends. I don't think we ever outgrow the need to be social, though.

The evolution of a blog

By the way, if you're a long-time reader of this blog, you're likely going to notice a change in direction. I won't be writing nearly as much about my life as a LEOW. I still belong to that 'club' but I got away from blogging from that slant. It's not the only thing that defines me, although I will probably still write about it from time to time. I moved it to the back burner and it dried out back there. It's kind of a raisin now.

If you're a new reader, welcome! You might be from Twitter. If you haven't figured it out...I'm a cop's wife. If I've given you this link, I probably trust that you are worthy of reading a lot more about my life than I've divulged on Twitter. I hope that doesn't drive you away...I'm quite proud of this life. In my previous twitter incarnation I wasn't comfortable sharing these details with the masses but I think you've seen a paradigm shift if you've been following me for any length of time.

Anyway, glad to have you along for the ride.

Internonymity

I have been on the internet long enough that it's becoming harder and harder for me to truly stay anonymous. There aren't a lot of details about myself that I am reticent to share, but let's be honest...some times there are things that are better left unsaid in certain circles. Your family doesn't want to know about your sex life. Your boss probably shouldn't be privy to your wild vacation escapades. Even your closest friends probably don't want to know that you pick your nose while IMing them.

Today a bigot-troll attempted to bait me on Twitter...it almost worked. I made reference to some 4chan attempt at making "bikini bridge" a thing. I won't link to it, but basically it's the new 'thigh gap'...in other words, some absurd anorexic-inducing beauty ideal. It may even be some sort of prank or inside joke. I don't really know or care to investigate or attempt to understand 4chan. All I know is I can't keep up with them.

Anyway, a friend of mine cautioned me not to interact with the troll, as the profile seemed to indicate a truly creepy personality. No 'selfie' pictures, 'fat is ugly' comments, and white supremacist/extremist talk.  It occurred to me that it must be easy to act that way under the guise of anonymity, but I believe that as 'drunk words are sober thoughts', so too that words spoken from behind a curtain are probably more honest than not. What I'm saying is that people are more true to themselves when they wear a mask, and there's currently no greater mask than a fake social media account.

On my drive home I realized that, although I prefer to keep my accounts separated from my work life, at least I'm not hiding anything truly despicable. And for that, I'm thankful.

It's time to start writing again. I've taken all this time off because, well...I've got kids. And I wasn't into the writing anymore. Now that the little ones are a little older, and I've developed a bit more of my online persona, it's become time to break this blog out again. You're welcome to tag along for the ride.

Tonight as I was getting ready for bed, I started thinking of a tweet. I do this quite often now, since I've become a venerated tweeter. Tweeple, I think they're called. I figure this is how comedians develop their routines; they find what amuses them in their everyday life and they work on polishing it for the masses. Anyway, as I brushed my teeth I looked in the mirror and thought, "Ugh."

"Ugh." my face. My softening body. My flat hair. blah blah blah. I wondered if my mirror could compare the times I've said "gross" to the times I've said "man I look good."

It occurred to me that more people should be approving their reflection. Then I realized...if your mirror counted more self-flattery than objection, society would be upset. It's a double standard we put each other through. "You should value yourself! But wait, not too much..." It's an interesting phenomenon which exhibits itself particularly among female groups. We insult ourselves and wait for our counterparts to offer up what they don't like about their own body. If you like yourself and don't take part, you run the risk of weeding yourself out of the group.

Can we just get to a point where it's OK to be OK with ourselves? Accept the things you can't change, and I don't mean "pay top dollar to change." I mean if you can't eat healthier and exercise a little to fix something, just let go of it as a 'flaw.' If you truly feel the need to alter your body, do it for yourself, and nobody else. Truly.

Let's change 'alter the body' to 'altar your body.' It's an amazing machine that houses our souls.

Well who are you going to call?

http://www.wlwt.com/r-video/27319161/detail.html

Restaurant owner asks cops not to eat at his diner. Blaming one incident where he was "falsely arrested" a few years ago. I put that in quotes because that is his statement, not proven fact.

What a moron, first of all. From a purely business standpoint, you don't single out a large group of potential customers to exclude. It's just stupid marketing. You're effectively hitting a larger market of people to NOT visit your restaurant and thusly line your pockets, because not only are cops going to avoid you like the plague, but so are their family and friends.

Watching the video, the guy makes himself look worse. Like that adage, which I'm sure I'm about to butcher, but basically, "better to keep your mouth shut and have people suspect you're an idiot, than to open your mouth and prove them right."

Running on about 5 hours of interrupted sleep last night, so I'm quite certain my grammar could use a little polishing in this post.

a proud wife

The author of this blog is now the mommy of two little ones. The big one is known to this blog as Bub, and the new little one, who shall be referred to as Pooka, 'the girl', or X23, was born in September. Yet another reason for me to take a hiatus from the blog. She is now four months old. Bub is quite a loving and proud big brother.

I mention my children now because J responded to a call a few weeks ago, which came out to him as a two year old child, not breathing. He was closest to the address, and upoon entering the living room discovered that the child was not two years old, but two MONTHS old. Had turned blue, was not breathing, and his little heart had stopped. J immediately began CPR, later telling me that the first thought that ran through his head was "That's my daughter laying there."

The little boy started gasping, then breathing and crying. 30 seconds later the medics arrived and promptly whisked him off to the hospital. He is still alive, thanks to my husband.

This past Saturday, J was commended by the Sheriff, and will receive a ribbon to wear on his uniform. I haven't been this proud of him since he graduated from the academy!

Hello there blogger community...

Well, J and I brought another little being into the world. Our little Pooka came in September, and if any of you have multiple children you will no doubt understand the time constraint and sheer mind-wipe that having two kids creates. I can only imagine it goes up at an alarming rate with the addition of each new child.

But we're a happy family of four. Six if you count the two pooches. Girl dog has resumed her nursemaid duties to the new baby, albeit on a smaller scale than she did with Bub. When he was born, girl dog made it her mission to be near him at all times, and I have many photos of the two of them. In hindsight I wonder if she thought she had a new friend, wanted to mother him, or just thought he was a perpetual source of food. This being the dog that has eaten soap and drywall, among other things, I'm sure spit-up, cheerios and pureed green beans were a gourmet buffet.

J's work schedule has been in conflict with my own for a year now, and we're facing at least another 9 months of this schedule. Granted, it means his off-days overlap my weekend, but the flip side of that is that we spend most of the week seeing each other in half-hour increments. Mornings while I rush around getting ready for work, lunches when I come home from work, and the occasional dinner with daddy if he isn't busy on the road.

On the plus, it means our children spend most of their time at home with one of us, both saving money and protecting their health, particularly in the midst of flu season. But we've both reached a point where we just miss each other. I know that in comparison to the military wives who are lucky if they get to TALK to their husbands each day they are deployed, I've got it good. At least I get to sleep next to my husband each night. But it still sucks. I don't dwell on it too much, because when you focus on the negative, it sucks you down into the void. Just like any danger zone, you have to be aware of it to avoid it.

Went to a hockey game tonight, leaving Bub and Pooka with a babysitter. Got a text from the sitter that said, "Bub just jumped off the couch and yelled, 'BLONDES AWAY'!"

Spammers

Somehow, making a comment about the asshole spammers prompted even more of them to start commenting on my blog. I'm sorry I had to limit commenting so much for real people, but DAMN THAT SHIT IS ANNOYING. What I want to know is how the spambots are getting past the word verification?

Grand Jury

So I've been absent a while again. This time I have a great, blog-related excuse though. I was on jury duty for two weeks of that time! I wish I could talk more about it, but it was grand jury. It was genuinely fascinating. I was bitter about being summoned at first, but once it started I appreciated being able to see that part of J's job. For those of you not familiar, grand jury is basically the presentation of felony cases by the prosecution. Typically the arresting officer, investigator, or a case presenter present most of the case to a jury, and the prosecutor asks relevant questions. It's fairly informal, and the jury is allowed to ask relevant questions as well. There are no defense lawyers or defendants. Well, typically, anyway. We actually had one case where the defendant personally called the prosecutor and asked to come testify. That was pretty strange actually.

On an unrelated note, is mine the only blog getting spam comments from Asia? Ugh. I hate having to turn on complete comment moderation but this is getting irritating!

Another candidate for the Darwin awards

http://www.wlwt.com/news/23766921/detail.html

Really folks...just...really?

Sometimes you have to do what you have to do

Last week J and I were talking shortly before I went to bed. As we got off the phone, he mentioned that he had to go back up another deputy on a DUI accident.

A few hours later when he got home, I woke up enough for him to tell me that the accident had been caused by friend of J's family. Someone he'd grown up across the street from. Someone whose parents still had dinner with J's parents from time to time. He was fine, no injuries, and his car was the only one involved. But by the time J arrived at the scene, the friend was refusing to do any tests, including the breathalyzer. In Ohio, that's an automatic suspension of your driver's license.

Not only does J have no recourse because he wasn't the responding officer, but he wouldn't have had a choice anyway. There is damaged property, and the friend is refusing to comply with the other deputy. At this point he will be arrested. When J shows up, the friend naturally sees an old familiar face, and feels safer, thinking he won't be in as much trouble now. Even asks for J once he's in the back of the cruiser, cuffed.

Obviously J has an internal conflict about this situation. It's only natural to want to help a friend out, but the damage is done and the consequences need to be paid.

We chat about it for a few minutes in the dark of our bedroom. I reach out my hand to him, to let him know I sympathize. The tone of his voice is heavy with a unique mix of emotions, some sympathy for and disappointment in his friend's actions, his duty and obligation as a LEO. We drift off to sleep.

Two days later we happen to be having dinner with J's parents and sisters. The family of the arrested friend just so happens to come up in conversation, and without even thinking, I start to mention that J has a story about him. J immediately interrupts with, "No I don't."

This isn't the first time he's arrested or been aware of the arrest of someone that his family knew. And in those situations, he's never shared gossip either. I don't know if my brain just forgot that fact, or what. I may have mentioned before, that the neighborhood J and his family grew up in was somewhat Norman Rockwell. The parents of several of the families were all friends, the daughters grew up going to prom together and participating in each other's weddings, the sons raced their bikes up and down the streets and played hide and seek games spread over several back yards. It seems only natural to me that they would be interested in the arrest, even from a sympathetic point of view.

J was quick to shut down the conversation and make it known that he wasn't going to be sharing any sort of information, but obviously there's already some damage done. Later I apologize for the gaff and he forgives me, but it's been weighing on my mind over the last week or so. I betrayed a spousal confidence.

S.W.A.T.

Special Weapons and Tactics. Technically J's team has another acronym they go by, but it's the same thing. They are specifically trained for the types of cases that aren't routine police work. Too often that means they train for any and all situations in preparation for all the unknown factors.

For example, they can't possibly be prepared for the layout of every building floorplan in existence. Or for the great unknown of people in those aforementioned buildings. Where could they be, are they armed, are they dangerous, are they innocent, etc.

My brother is on the SWAT team for his county too, so sometimes it's interesting for the two to compare the differences in their training approach.

A particular situation that comes to mind is when they serve a warrant on a meth lab. The sheer volatility of these labs is such that the team is forced to rethink their approach, and severely reduces or eliminates a number of the tools they typically rely on. No flash-bangs, no tasers, even their gas masks can be rendered obsolete.

Meth labs are scary shit in their own right... it makes me nervous when I hear about those warrants.

DUI arrest - Man blows .373

WOW. Here's the news story. .373 is four times the legal limit here in Ohio! The journalist found court records indicating a similar charge in 1990 for this man...I want to know how he went twenty years without getting caught again.

Only with this type of job...

It's funny when you talk to some one who said their engineer husband was too busy to talk while at work. The other day I called J, who picked up the phone and immediately said "I'll call you back," sirens blaring in the background. My response has become a quick "loveyoubye" in those cases.

An interesting night

So Monday night, J and some other deputies respond to a call about a bar fight. They arrive to find the instigator of the fight, bloodied and bruised. Apparently he lost. HA! The other fighter is not around, so technically there's no victim. They have the paramedics check this guy out, whereupon they tell him he will need several stitches. Guy refuses to go to the hospital, so they bandage him up and go on their way. At this point the deputies don't want to fully arrest him and take him to jail, so they issue a citation.

Now, a logical person would at this point realize he's just gotten off easy and go home. Not Senor Froggy though. He starts getting belligerent with the deputies, threatening to call his lawyer-cousin, telling J he remembers him from an arrest in Hamilton (a place J has never worked), on and on. The deputies continue trying to get rid of him. Froggy throws his citation on the ground and refuses to go to his rent-a-home (the motel).

Finally the deputies decide to go ahead and haul him off to jail. They not only will have to book him into the jail but because of the paramedic visit, they will need to take him to the hospital too. Once Froggy realizes he's about to be handcuffed, he bolts. Except in his fully drunken state he isn't getting very far. When J tackles him, his wounds re-open. Suddenly Froggy wants to be very cooperative, tells them he will go straight to his room, won't give them any trouble, etc.

As soon as he is in the back of a cruiser, J realizes his tie is covered in blood. He throws it away. Later, while writing up his report, he discovers his shirt is bloody too. (Ohio deputies wear black shirts so you can imagine that at night you wouldn't see it)
This shirt now goes in the trash, too. On the plus side, I don't need to figure out how to sanitize a black shirt without bleach!

Back to the story...the deputies head up to the jail, only to be told there's no room at the inn. Supervisor calls in, is told the same thing. No space in the jail. After all this trouble, they're going to be forced to set Froggy on his way with the citation. Except suddenly someone realizes this man doesn't even have a green card...

Morton's Salt joins the thin blue line

This weekend was fabulous. J and I and the boy all had 72 hours together, CONSECUTIVELY. He had a vacation day on his "Friday" due to a health insurance incentive (let us find out exactly how much of a burden you are on the insurance system and we'll give you a day off!), and I was off Friday thanks to the union at my work selecting Catholic holidays for a lot of our paid vacation days.

Unfortunately (depending on your outlook), due to it being a holiday weekend, we were busy the entire time.

Wednesday night, though, J had gotten a DUI arrest. Last night he discovered it would possibly go to pre-trial tomorrow. Tonight he has a regular shift, then an extra detail. It just seems to always work out this way. The detail he's working after shift tonight is a nice extra paycheck, but it always causes a backlog in our daily routine. Add court time to that and it just goes completely haywire.

It is what it is, we're not really complaining. Just seems like all the 'extras' pile up together.

Fleeing suspect does work for cops

Man fleeing Ohio police jumps fence — into prison

That's just funny.

Hey, other cop wives - A question

Do you guys ever listen to your hubbies' stories from shift and just get horribly depressed about human nature?

It's that, combined with what I read in the local news that just has me in a funk. A murder trial just wrapped up this week in Cincinnati, ending in the jury recommending the death penalty. I'll spare you details (as I have spared myself most of them too) but the jury foreman said the man on trial was worse than a monster.

I know that by the very nature of his job, J is going to run into the seedy side of society. That's no surprise. And if you're only seeing the trash dump out your window, you're likely to think the landscape is crap everywhere. I know this, inherently. But sometimes even the mere existence of the scum and the heinous things they can do just... really hit me hard.

I've got such a bleeding heart ;)

Zipped lips

Argh! Multiple cases going on that I want to talk about, and I CAN'T! One that I'd love more opinions on, but alas, is still in investigation.

And the other is going on right.this.very moment as I blog. The most frustrating thing is not being able to find anything on the news. Not that I have a scanner anyway, but even if I did I'm not sure we live close enough for me to pick up on the bands.

So instead I will tell you this much. Today I spent more than a few minutes drooling over some of the recent recipes on the Pioneer Woman's website. Monkey bread muffins and funnel cakes, to name a few specifics. In fact I am pretty sure I tried to take a bite out of my monitor while reading the Monkey Bread recipe.