The pursuit of friendship

One thing I'm still struggling to understand is friendship, perhaps particularly the nature of friendships between men and women. I use the terms 'men' and 'women' because children don't seem to have any trouble whatsoever making and keeping friends. It's only as we age that all our issues seem to get in the way. These voices in our head interfere, we second guess things...friendship gets difficult.

However it's also in the growing that adds the layer that seems to interfere the most, and I have no illusion that this is a new topic. The largest problem with men and women being friends is that sex seems to get in the way.

Although I often hate when people start throwing around the term 'daddy issues' to explain why a woman is doing something they don't approve of, I have my own daddy issues. The thing is, as I've gotten older, I don't deal with this problem by putting my body on display or trying to get sexual attention from men. Turns out I deal with it by trying to find guys who will like me in a nonsexual way. I find these guys who have a sense of humor that I love, and seem like decent friends, and for a while we have a pretty awesome friendship.

The pattern seems to be, though, that they're single guys. This may be partly due to my age, and the age of the people I tend to socialize with. If you're not single, you have kids and not a lot of time for socialization. If you are single, you're trying to settle down. As a result, the last string of guy friends I've had have basically fallen off the map once they've gotten serious with a girlfriend.

You're probably starting to ask yourself where my female friends are. I have them. Several, actually. Say what you will, but there is an inherent difference in the nature of female-female friendships. That's just not where I'm focusing this post on.

One friend that I lost in a particularly painful turn, was under the belief that I had blamed his girlfriend for the end of our friendship. That actually wasn't the case at all, but rather I blamed the fact that he had a girlfriend as part of the problem. You have to be careful with the semantics in this sort of discussion, but in essence, it seemed that once he had a girlfriend, he had little use for a female friend. Having no peek inside the head of these friends, I really don't know the truth. But the pattern seems to fit and to repeat itself. Correlation isn't causation, so perhaps I'm just likable in the short term...or people have forgotten how to have long-term friendships...or the barometer changed...

I can't stop my mind from wondering, though. I'm an analyzer. A dissecter. And I need to know WHY. This flies in the face of the Buddhist lessons I read through, but it's in my nature, so often I fall back into it in times of stress. So I start to wonder...was there ever a platonic friendship? Was I a safe placeholder, since I'm married and off the market? I tend to think of these guys as brothers, but it turns out I'm a disposable friend. Given that my father treated me and most of my half-siblings (and our respective mothers) as though we were disposable, this cuts me to the core.

I'm probably too old to not have had this lesson sink in. Or to even still be worrying about needing friends. I don't think we ever outgrow the need to be social, though.

The evolution of a blog

By the way, if you're a long-time reader of this blog, you're likely going to notice a change in direction. I won't be writing nearly as much about my life as a LEOW. I still belong to that 'club' but I got away from blogging from that slant. It's not the only thing that defines me, although I will probably still write about it from time to time. I moved it to the back burner and it dried out back there. It's kind of a raisin now.

If you're a new reader, welcome! You might be from Twitter. If you haven't figured it out...I'm a cop's wife. If I've given you this link, I probably trust that you are worthy of reading a lot more about my life than I've divulged on Twitter. I hope that doesn't drive you away...I'm quite proud of this life. In my previous twitter incarnation I wasn't comfortable sharing these details with the masses but I think you've seen a paradigm shift if you've been following me for any length of time.

Anyway, glad to have you along for the ride.

Internonymity

I have been on the internet long enough that it's becoming harder and harder for me to truly stay anonymous. There aren't a lot of details about myself that I am reticent to share, but let's be honest...some times there are things that are better left unsaid in certain circles. Your family doesn't want to know about your sex life. Your boss probably shouldn't be privy to your wild vacation escapades. Even your closest friends probably don't want to know that you pick your nose while IMing them.

Today a bigot-troll attempted to bait me on Twitter...it almost worked. I made reference to some 4chan attempt at making "bikini bridge" a thing. I won't link to it, but basically it's the new 'thigh gap'...in other words, some absurd anorexic-inducing beauty ideal. It may even be some sort of prank or inside joke. I don't really know or care to investigate or attempt to understand 4chan. All I know is I can't keep up with them.

Anyway, a friend of mine cautioned me not to interact with the troll, as the profile seemed to indicate a truly creepy personality. No 'selfie' pictures, 'fat is ugly' comments, and white supremacist/extremist talk.  It occurred to me that it must be easy to act that way under the guise of anonymity, but I believe that as 'drunk words are sober thoughts', so too that words spoken from behind a curtain are probably more honest than not. What I'm saying is that people are more true to themselves when they wear a mask, and there's currently no greater mask than a fake social media account.

On my drive home I realized that, although I prefer to keep my accounts separated from my work life, at least I'm not hiding anything truly despicable. And for that, I'm thankful.

It's time to start writing again. I've taken all this time off because, well...I've got kids. And I wasn't into the writing anymore. Now that the little ones are a little older, and I've developed a bit more of my online persona, it's become time to break this blog out again. You're welcome to tag along for the ride.

Tonight as I was getting ready for bed, I started thinking of a tweet. I do this quite often now, since I've become a venerated tweeter. Tweeple, I think they're called. I figure this is how comedians develop their routines; they find what amuses them in their everyday life and they work on polishing it for the masses. Anyway, as I brushed my teeth I looked in the mirror and thought, "Ugh."

"Ugh." my face. My softening body. My flat hair. blah blah blah. I wondered if my mirror could compare the times I've said "gross" to the times I've said "man I look good."

It occurred to me that more people should be approving their reflection. Then I realized...if your mirror counted more self-flattery than objection, society would be upset. It's a double standard we put each other through. "You should value yourself! But wait, not too much..." It's an interesting phenomenon which exhibits itself particularly among female groups. We insult ourselves and wait for our counterparts to offer up what they don't like about their own body. If you like yourself and don't take part, you run the risk of weeding yourself out of the group.

Can we just get to a point where it's OK to be OK with ourselves? Accept the things you can't change, and I don't mean "pay top dollar to change." I mean if you can't eat healthier and exercise a little to fix something, just let go of it as a 'flaw.' If you truly feel the need to alter your body, do it for yourself, and nobody else. Truly.

Let's change 'alter the body' to 'altar your body.' It's an amazing machine that houses our souls.

Well who are you going to call?

http://www.wlwt.com/r-video/27319161/detail.html

Restaurant owner asks cops not to eat at his diner. Blaming one incident where he was "falsely arrested" a few years ago. I put that in quotes because that is his statement, not proven fact.

What a moron, first of all. From a purely business standpoint, you don't single out a large group of potential customers to exclude. It's just stupid marketing. You're effectively hitting a larger market of people to NOT visit your restaurant and thusly line your pockets, because not only are cops going to avoid you like the plague, but so are their family and friends.

Watching the video, the guy makes himself look worse. Like that adage, which I'm sure I'm about to butcher, but basically, "better to keep your mouth shut and have people suspect you're an idiot, than to open your mouth and prove them right."

Running on about 5 hours of interrupted sleep last night, so I'm quite certain my grammar could use a little polishing in this post.

a proud wife

The author of this blog is now the mommy of two little ones. The big one is known to this blog as Bub, and the new little one, who shall be referred to as Pooka, 'the girl', or X23, was born in September. Yet another reason for me to take a hiatus from the blog. She is now four months old. Bub is quite a loving and proud big brother.

I mention my children now because J responded to a call a few weeks ago, which came out to him as a two year old child, not breathing. He was closest to the address, and upoon entering the living room discovered that the child was not two years old, but two MONTHS old. Had turned blue, was not breathing, and his little heart had stopped. J immediately began CPR, later telling me that the first thought that ran through his head was "That's my daughter laying there."

The little boy started gasping, then breathing and crying. 30 seconds later the medics arrived and promptly whisked him off to the hospital. He is still alive, thanks to my husband.

This past Saturday, J was commended by the Sheriff, and will receive a ribbon to wear on his uniform. I haven't been this proud of him since he graduated from the academy!

Hello there blogger community...

Well, J and I brought another little being into the world. Our little Pooka came in September, and if any of you have multiple children you will no doubt understand the time constraint and sheer mind-wipe that having two kids creates. I can only imagine it goes up at an alarming rate with the addition of each new child.

But we're a happy family of four. Six if you count the two pooches. Girl dog has resumed her nursemaid duties to the new baby, albeit on a smaller scale than she did with Bub. When he was born, girl dog made it her mission to be near him at all times, and I have many photos of the two of them. In hindsight I wonder if she thought she had a new friend, wanted to mother him, or just thought he was a perpetual source of food. This being the dog that has eaten soap and drywall, among other things, I'm sure spit-up, cheerios and pureed green beans were a gourmet buffet.

J's work schedule has been in conflict with my own for a year now, and we're facing at least another 9 months of this schedule. Granted, it means his off-days overlap my weekend, but the flip side of that is that we spend most of the week seeing each other in half-hour increments. Mornings while I rush around getting ready for work, lunches when I come home from work, and the occasional dinner with daddy if he isn't busy on the road.

On the plus, it means our children spend most of their time at home with one of us, both saving money and protecting their health, particularly in the midst of flu season. But we've both reached a point where we just miss each other. I know that in comparison to the military wives who are lucky if they get to TALK to their husbands each day they are deployed, I've got it good. At least I get to sleep next to my husband each night. But it still sucks. I don't dwell on it too much, because when you focus on the negative, it sucks you down into the void. Just like any danger zone, you have to be aware of it to avoid it.

Went to a hockey game tonight, leaving Bub and Pooka with a babysitter. Got a text from the sitter that said, "Bub just jumped off the couch and yelled, 'BLONDES AWAY'!"

Spammers

Somehow, making a comment about the asshole spammers prompted even more of them to start commenting on my blog. I'm sorry I had to limit commenting so much for real people, but DAMN THAT SHIT IS ANNOYING. What I want to know is how the spambots are getting past the word verification?

Grand Jury

So I've been absent a while again. This time I have a great, blog-related excuse though. I was on jury duty for two weeks of that time! I wish I could talk more about it, but it was grand jury. It was genuinely fascinating. I was bitter about being summoned at first, but once it started I appreciated being able to see that part of J's job. For those of you not familiar, grand jury is basically the presentation of felony cases by the prosecution. Typically the arresting officer, investigator, or a case presenter present most of the case to a jury, and the prosecutor asks relevant questions. It's fairly informal, and the jury is allowed to ask relevant questions as well. There are no defense lawyers or defendants. Well, typically, anyway. We actually had one case where the defendant personally called the prosecutor and asked to come testify. That was pretty strange actually.

On an unrelated note, is mine the only blog getting spam comments from Asia? Ugh. I hate having to turn on complete comment moderation but this is getting irritating!